Journal 4: Looking for Answers

I frequently find myself searching for answers for things that I can not explain. I like to think I am deep in my faith, but sometimes you need proof from someone or something else to really set your beliefs in place. I like to think that a lot of people face this issue a couple times throughout their lives. The idea of a scientific thinker has consumed my being ever since I was little. I often struggle with finding the truth in things that I can not see. This morning I was scrolling through my feed on social media and up came a video that asks the audience to close their eyes, and pause the video when they feel it is right. It didn't hurt to try.

What I ended up landing on, solved all of my uncertainties and problems. The screen read:

"I saw you at your lowest point;
your miserable,
wallowing worst,
pitiful and dirty,
sorrowful and shamed

and I
still
love(d)
you."

This changed my whole mindset around. Out of all of the images and sayings it could have landed on, it was this. I feel like I just took a big breath of fresh air.

Never lose faith, it is always there for you when you need it the most.

Journal 3: Advice to my Younger Self

At work today, I saw one of my students come in with red eyes, and a sad smile. Mina is never one to be down... the studio is usually filled with her laughter and all of the other dancers are constantly surrounded by her positive attitude. I tried not to keep an eye on her to a point where she would notice, but I definitely needed to know what was going on. After class, I gave her a hug and asked her to tell me what was going on. She proceeded to tell me that some boys made fun of the way she dresses at school, so she doesn't want to dress like herself anymore. This broke my heart. I could relate to this. I could see my younger self being in this position. Mina dresses loudly. She loves patterns, bright colors, and the big bows that you see all the tiny dancers wearing in their hair now days. I sat for a minute watching her gaze fall to her feet as she explained to me what happened that morning at school. I lifted her chin with one finger and began to tell her a similar story of what happened to me in elementary school. I had very long curly hair, that all the adults adored, but the boys made me feel bad about. I used to go home upset and ask my mom for a haircut, not wanting to look like myself because the boys said I looked like a horse... Mina's eyes switched to a surprise. She asked me if I cut my hair. I told her yes, but if it were up to me now, I would have never changed because of what someone said. After a brief conversation, she was back to her smiling self and put her bow back in her hair. She told me she was going to keep being herself and not listen to what anyone else had to say about her. I was proud, she was a smart girl for her age. If only I had someone to give this advice to me that many years ago... if only I could give this advice to my younger self...

Journal 2: Winter Blues

I long for summer. I love Michigan and I think the snow is beautiful for a short amount of time, but I am aching to have my feet in the sand and the sun glistening on my skin. I feel like summertime brings pure joy. The idea of waking up to the sun, watching the sun set, creates the feeling that all my problems and worries just disappear. Winter makes me feel as if there is a small cloud over my head. The dreariness of the sky as I look out my window, different shade of grey and blue. There's no pop of color, it creates a feeling of sadness. Of course it has to be the longest season of all... just to put the cherry on top. It's time for some color to come back into our lives. Fresh cut green grass, blue oceans, yellow sunshine, that is what I am longing for. It is time for family vacations and new journeys. Bring me all the birds, the bees, the fish in the seas. I can't drive down the road and look at another snowman being made, or have my fingers clench into fists because the cold air is so frigid. So come on mother nature, bring on the warmth. I can't sit another day in doors, wishing I could go to the beach and be filled with the joys of summer. Winter, it is time to say goodbye to you and your blues. It is time to open the door for Spring and Summer and all the great times that come with it.

Journal 1: Stuck in a Loop

There needs to be some sort of change in the process. By process, I mean the schedule of life. Why is it that I wake up the same day and feel unsatisfied by the end? Is it because my schedule is always the same and I am consistently waiting for the end of the week to come? Is it due to the fact that I have been trying so hard to please my boss and my superiors rather than myself? There comes a point where I get tired of the loop. There comes a point where I am doing everything I can to find that change, to find that spark of inspiration that sparks a burning feeling in my stomach, the feeling of a new beginning. I sit and wonder at night if this is how I will always think and feel. I hope that it is just because I am in school, have three jobs, and piles of homework while waiting for my graduation day to arrive. I hope that when the day arrives and I get to start the next chapter of my life, I feel overwhelmingly satisfied. I hope that as I grow older I am energized by experiencing new things. It always seems as if you need money to try something new, to see a new place. I feel like this is a false misconception. Go lay in the grass and watch the stars, or go lay on a beach and watch the sun set. It's the little moments that leave humans satisfied, and it is my ultimate goal in life to find something that gives me this feeling each day of my life. I've found that I have been thinking this for a few weeks now. The want of a fresh start, a new beginning, new experiences... the feeling has yet to disappear. I need to wake up, get out more, finish my work for the week and go explore. At the end of the day there is so much that I have yet to discover, so why stay cooped up in my room after a long day of work? Why not get home, go out an explore, and lay my head down peacefully on the pillow that night, with a small smile spread on my lips, feeling a little burst of life in the pit of my stomach. I will no longer be stuck in a loop, I refuse.

Writing as Self-Revelation

Humans are in fact some of the most miraculous creatures, especially when looking into the human mind. Our personalities separate us from one another, making us each distinct, but in reality we all share the same vital need of wanting to be understood by others. We all share the same want to feel respected, welcomed by others, leading to the feeling of self-recognition and assurance. Why do we need other people to feel like we are understood? Humans also differ by being categorized as extroverts and introverts. Extroverts are those who are very expressive. They are the individuals who do not face any problems when it comes to communicating with people outside of their immediate circle. Introverts are the opposite, they have a hard time expressing their feelings and often keep to themselves, finding that they often need to recharge themselves some evenings, keeping away from others. I have found that I am a mixture of both. Some days, I can walk up to my best friend and tell him everything that I am feeling and everything that has been on my mind since 6:00 am that morning. Other days, I find myself laying in bed staring at the ceiling until the wee hours of the morning, wishing I could find some way to get my brain to turn off for just a couple hours. I have heard so many others facing this issue, looking for some sort of outlet besides the reliance on another person. Write. Write on the nearest scrap of paper on your nightstand, or the empty journal your mom got you for Christmas, but you have found no use for it...until now. Why do humans feel the need to vent to other people, to see therapists, to rely on other people to help find a piece of themselves that they haven't been able to find? I think, in reality, we are all capable of doing it ourselves. Write down your deepest thoughts, the secrets you have felt the need to hide because you fear the judgement of other people. Write down every negative thing that happened to you this week, or about the stranger who helped you pick up your things after dropping them on the way to class this morning. If you let the pen flow across the paper, not caring if the words sound jumbled or they read with ease, you may find new qualities of yourself that you hadn't known before. Self-reflection is a necessary process that I think everyone needs to endure. Everyone needs to not only feel accepted by others, but themselves. The next time we find ourselves sitting with thoughts jumbled in our brains, pick up a pen, pick up a notebook and let the thoughts unravel. You never know what you might end up finding from a little reflective writing every once in awhile. 

The Goody-Two-Shoes

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Many individuals spend each day of their lives going through the motions. Social media and traditional ways of living make it seem as if they have to follow a cookie cutter outline of how their life needs to be; perfect. The things we all read, see, and hear on a daily basis make us feel like we need to follow a particular path in order to be successful, in order to be the best we can be. We all catch ourselves doing this, living in black and white. I even catch myself doing this, and my life is just beginning. I get up everyday, follow the same morning routine, eating the same bland cereal. Packing up my things and heading to school, leading up to me going to work, then back to bed after finishing my homework for the evening. Why not add a little more color to our lives? Why not add a little more gray and blue. Instead of feeling like you have to sit and follow a routine to be successful, or even to write a paragraph each day. Why not do something out of the ordinary to spark a little bit of inspiration in yourself? If you're a writer, doing something out of the ordinary just might give you the extra push to complete the essay you've spent hours working on, blankly staring at on your computer screen. "That is the challenge: to let writing teach us about life and life about writing".  We must let things inspire us, in order to be inspired. Inspiration does not come from a straight path, but the trails that you decide to take along the way. This quote and concept is something that I hold dear to my heart. I have never been someone who can allow myself to stick to a routine, it's boring. I do not want to live a boring life, and I do not think anyone else in the world does either. If I ever find myself going through life, doing the same motions everyday, driving the same route to work because it's quicker, I will think back to this quote. Get up early and take a different route to work, allowing yourself to see views that you haven't noticed before. The Goody-Two-Shoes concept of always doing everything as perfect as possible, the same way to get something accomplished does not only apply to writers, but to life in general. Not only should writers take this concept into consideration when they hit a block, but everyone should. Allowing yourself to be inspired and see the meaningful, little things in life can greatly impact you. I myself will try to stray away from the goody-two-shoes rut when I am writing, allow myself to be inspired, and apply it to life in general. Life is too short to live in black and white, allow yourself to see some grays and blues as well, they're all around us waiting to be discovered.